My only regret

Me : hey ****

Facebook User : Ow?

Me : youre so pogi.

Facebook User : Thankyou so much!

Me : i like you

Facebook User : Really? Hahaaha 0916222****

Me : yeah wait save ko

Me : i texted you

That very convo, the convo I started a year ago. That convo that became my demise.





The night of April 29, 2013 --- I stepped out of the door and faced him for the first time, I was starstrucked, dumb-founded. I told myself “uy, pwede”.





When I write for someone, that’s the sign that I’m ending what bonds us. I was in-love with him, more that in-love I guess. I worship him, I adore him, I love him. I was blinded by this charisma. Add a few love potion and demn I am lost in love.





He had this magnet in him that draws me to kneel and worship him, he was my future. So I thought. I was swimming with the illusion that he will and he can love me back. I stayed with him in his darkest days; I was there when he was weak. I was there when he was strong.





We had our ups and downs. Then at present time, he’s still with me. So I thought.





Binibigay ko lahat ng abot ng kaya ko para lang mapasaya sya, matulungan sya sa maliliit na bagay. May mga sakripisyo akong ginagawa para lang sa kapakanan nya. Hindi ako nanunumbat, pero sana kahit konti lang, kahit katiting lang na maparamdam niyang importante ako, ok na sakin. Wala eh.





Sa lahat ng nagawa ko sakanya, at pag pilit ko sa sarili ko maniwala na mahal nya rin ako. Pero hindi eh, hindi talaga. Bulag ako sa illusyong pipakain ko sa sarili ko. Sana balang araw, mahalin nya rin ako.





Kahit konti lang. Maramdaman ko lang na meron kahit papaano na meron palang pwedeng mag mahal sakin, na maramdaman ko ung pagmamahal, hindi ung puro ako lang nagpaparamdam. Given na kasi yun. Nakakalungkot lang. Pagod na ko. Hinang hina na ko. Suko na ko.





Masasabi kong napasaya ko siya. Pero, pano naman ako, kasi hindi na ko masaya. Hindi ko alam kung bakit andyan parin ako para sakanya na wala na rin naman akong nakukuha. Walang return of investment.





Ilang beses na kong nagpaalam, ilang beses na siyang nagpaalam. Wala.





Ayoko na.





Ngayon gabi, hinihintay ko yung tawag niya, kasi usapan naming pupunta siya dito sa bahay, sasabihin ko na sakanya ang nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko na kaya.





Paalam.